From the Mind of J.Miz

Yoko Ono, what HAVEN'T you ruined?

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicken-murdering tornados, the Royal Wedding, Bin Laden and Donald Trump. With all the conspiracy theorists out there, why is no one seeing these eerie coincidences and asking, “Where the fuck is Yoko Ono?!”

If you let him, my boyfriend would level the world, start it all over his way, and we’d invent alcohol, Xanax and AA simultaneously.

I had an ex who liked me to say how “big” he was during sex. I had no problem with that until i mistook a polygraph machine for some kinky shit. Grown men crying ain’t a sexy look.

I went on a dinner/first date last week. Even before dessert, he asked me if I wanted kids. I thought, Not till I see you pay our check, buddy! Then I thought, Shit, maybe he’s down for some “practice” tonight. So I answered, “Wow, that’s such a refreshing question to be asked by a guy. Let’s get the bill and discuss this over drinks. Teeheehee!” SUCKER!

My ex-boyfriend called me last night to see if I wanted to fool around. I said, “Isn’t that basically all we did for two years?” He then offered to do oral, and I told him no again. As a last ditch effort, he said he’d do “that thing you like.” I told him, “Fucking other guys? What do you think your call interrupted?!”

My cat Dwight is hating me pretty hard right now, for what he calls Showing Off and what I call Making Myself A Sammich.

I have the volume turned low on the ‘puter and could swear I just heard Robert Smith beautifully sing the word “tits.”

If life was like Facebook, my “single” vagina would “report abuse.”

My ex-boyfriend was really into me staring him in the eyes and giving him handy j’s. It was really uncomfortable to laugh so hard with him gawking at me like that.

The Mother’s Day photo campaign on Facebook is a bit insensitive to people whose moms may have died. It’s more of a smack in the face than Facebook denying the pic of my mom from a porn shoot she did in the ’80s.

The last guy I slept with took so long to finish, by the time he was done, I was already fucking the next guy.

My friend called me today to see how I was. I answered the phone solely so I could make him jealous that I was listening to Hall and Oates.

I’m considering starting a website that connects the blind and ugly people. Win-win, right? And then we get some of those ugly fuckers off the street. Trifecta!

Eddie Murphy in whiteface... actually, sorry, that's another picture of Yoko.

I love having tits. It’s like when Eddie Murphy put on whiteface and found out “people give you things for free.”

Either Rush is performing live in my apartment complex, or Space Invaders is seriously fucking happening.

My day will end with a finishing move of taking this dude with a cane OUT. I have low standards.

My last boyfriend used to call me a slut, a cunt and a bitch all the time. It really pissed me off… when he’d wuss out and use safe words.

I’ve dated two kinds of guys — ones that suck my toes, and ones that eat my ass. It’s been a long time since anyone sucked my toes.

You know I like you if I bring you a nut rag. You know I love you if I bring you a chamois.

My cat Dwight detects a hint of pork in the air, and it’s making him all Wild Kingdom.

I’ve always been a fan of Obama, but I bet Rob Base would have made a good presidential candidate in ’08. White people LOVE him.

Dwight just did a hurdle over the vacuum cleaner handle that would put a Nigerian track Olympian to shame.

I miss my boyfriend hi-fiving me after sex. The whole new “choke you” thing just doesn’t give me the same “teamy” feel.

I’m a big fan of masturbation, but I think that’s just because women can’t perform self-inflicted oral sex. I mean, how does that day go?! Ring ring: “Oh hi, Mom… Pretty good… You’re not gonna believe this, I just blew myself! YEAH I KNOW, RIGHT?! Oh, happy Mother’s Day!”

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