You Might Be A Mom

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

  • If your priority is on how cute your kid’s outfit looks when you take them to school, while you wear sweatpants and mismatched flip flops, you might be a mom.
  • If you carefully smooth and style your child’s hair and totally ignore the syrup you got in your own from the morning’s waffles, you might be a mom.
  • If the phone wakes you from a deep sleep at the ripe old hour of 9:30 pm, and you try to answer it by turning the lamp on and off, there’s a good chance you might be a mom.
  • If you’d need a 12-step program and hypnosis to even consider eliminating caffeine from your diet, you might be a mom.
  • If you’ve left the house with several kinds of bodily fluids on your shirt because one or more of the kids were late for some sort of sporting event, it is likely that you might be a mom.
  • If you see a brown smudge on the carpet and bend to sniff to see if it’s poop, you might be a mom.
  • If you, without hesitation, sniff the socks or crotches of pants laying on the floor of the kids rooms to see if they’re clean or dirty, you might be a mom.
  • If you have taken your finger and licked it to remove dirt from any surface, then guess what? You might be a mom.
  • If you hear the same words tumbling from your mouth that you heard from your own mom’s mouth — and you not only don’t care, but you feel like it totally makes sense (“Don’t come running to me when you break your leg!”), you’re probably a mom.
  • If you have spelled out a curse word in a rage even when there wasn’t a child within earshot, you might be a mom.
  • If you want one thing for a special day like your birthday or Mother’s day and one thing only: some F-U-C-K-I-N-G peace and quiet, you might be a mom.
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