This Week in J.Miz, Volume 3

Recently reincarnated as middle-aged Illinois barfly. Yes, gentlemen, she is single.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

MONDAY

My boyfriend is visiting from New York. He kept emphatically insisting, “You should move, baby! You should move!” Honestly, I was pretty afraid until I realized I was laying on his nuts.

My boyfriend says I’m pretty when I cry. This makes me happy. The rape and domestic violence, not so much.

I’m finally dating an older guy who likes to dance. Unfortunately, in the years I’ve been waiting, there has been an end to the need for glow sticks.

I just had my first argument with my new boyfriend. It was hot and wet. He only needed 28 stitches.

SATURDAY

Looking at a woman. Late 40s/early 50s. Black tank, stretch jeans, white three-quarters blazer, white gym shoes, pork pie hat. Somewhere, Duckie from Pretty in Pink is pissed! And half-naked.

I wonder if anyone ever used multiple personality disorder as a DUI defense: “Officer, only one of us was drunk, and that guy was NOT driving!”

I put effort into what I’m wearing for work. An old dude just said, “I like your overall look!” Then he said, “But I’m a prick, what do I know?!” Fuck your old-saggy-balls compliment, Indian giver!

My boyfriend and I are into some pretty rough sex, and I told him about all the side glances I get from the marks. So we came to an agreement that he should just start regularly abusing me domestically.

How are you muthafux still clicking that robo-spam?! Seriously, dumbasses…

My new boyfriend needlessly feels he has to censor himself during sex, but I still don’t get why that makes it cool to call me Julie.

FRIDAY

My friend keeps telling me that he’s given up weed. I told him “quitting” doesn’t count if you just ran out. And your guy’s out of town. And you’re so high you can’t find your stash. And dude, you just packed that bowl!

Guys like getting sexy with me more when I have my glasses off. Then it’s harder to I.D. them in a line up.

“Never trust a big butt and a smile.”-Adolf Hitler
“She’s my cherry pie.”-Jimmy Carter
‎”We’ve got the beat!”-O.J. Simpson

My current boyfriend claims hearing loss. I claim selective hearing. My grandfather used to pull the same shit, but my boyfriend makes me cum harder.

Phone sex is an important part of maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship. I hope all those guys I drunk dial will tell that to my boyfriend.

When a girl suddenly gets irate and storms out of the room, don’t follow her. She just needs some time alone to fart.

THURSDAY

A childhood friend who happens to be morbidly obese was admitted to the hospital for difficulty breathing today. At present, the doctors attribute it to all the fucking food in his mouth.

My boyfriend told me he was really into anal. One night, I let him get me drunk and just went for it. He walked funny for a week.

Being born and raised taking Irish Catholic communion, I blame my high quantity of yeast infections on all the beer.

I will put up with a man’s horrible taste in music as long as he’s a Jew. Circumcision and money is THAT important to me.

WEDNESDAY

Free Jame-o and Seven > Anything you pay for yourself. Fuck you, capitalism! Tits always win!

I’m walking to work, and every male jogger that’s approached has stopped to “cool down.” Here’s my song to them: “Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk / That I need a ride, no time to gawk.”

Never suggest a man shave his mustache. There’s probably a good reason his lip went “deep cover.”

Staying with the times, I decided to hook up with a guy I met online. Those three days were so intense I lost like seven pounds. Fuck it. Dignity’s overrated.

I had a suspicion my boyfriend was taping our love making, so I addressed it head on and just installed cameras myself.

TUESDAY

My boyfriend from New York just told me I was stalking him. Hey, you drove over 12 hours to get here. Hahahaha sucker, I win!

People keep deleting me from Facebook, and I keep not giving a shit who they are.

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