Osama: Hole In The Turban Edition

Funniest thing about this photo? The apostrophe is in the wrong place, and it means "Got them," not "Got him." Oh, America...

by BUDDAH ESKEW and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Breaking news from the We’re Not Funny Washington bureau and every corner of Facebook — well, okay, it’s old news now — Osama bin Laden is dead, and every male in America is growing a freedom stache.

Not to editorialize, but doesn’t it seem a little un-American for us to have gone in and murdered this guy in front of his family, and not broadcast it via satellite? The networks could’ve charge triple their Super Bowl rates for a quick commercial in between the first and second gunshots.

They took Osama by surprise. He was minding his own business, watching Kirstie Alley waddle-waltz on “Dancing With the Stars” and drinking a Miller Lilililililight at the time of the CIA attack.

After his death, bin Laden expected to join 72 virgins in heaven. Osama, sorry man, Charlie Sheen deflowered all six dozen of them before they made it to the pearly Caucasian gates. It was a popular Heidi Fleiss off-menu whore special in 1991.

Osama, look, your virgins weren’t virgins, and you’re in hell now. On the plus side, you do get to listen to the obscure Winger B-side “Seventy Two Virgins” at top volume on drive thru speakers for all eternity. The guitar solo has been cut out, too. Nothing but screaming vocals and off-rhythm drums in Hades.

Poor Osama expected to be top dog in hell, too, but now he’s sharing an unairconditioned camp cabin with Hitler, and 50 bucks says Adolph gets the top bunk.

Elton John expressed interest in singing at Osama’s funeral (“And it seemed to me you lived your life / Like an airplane-turned-projectile-missile in the wind”), but the U.S. government had already given the jackass (Osama, not Elton) a traditional Islamic burial at sea. All the more reason not to drink the water in Mexico.

Bin Laden’s death has bumped the royal wedding from the public eye. Prince Charles told reporters, “I know how Osama must feel, as I have been dead inside for decades.”

Meanwhile, President Obama’s approval ratings are way up. Barack’s next move is to focus finally hunt down that smartass Waldo. Just as soon as he finds Carmen Sandiego on his Apple IIGS.

One final footnote: Bin Laden has landed a spot in the next edition of Guinness Book of World Records for the longest game of hide and seek ever.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Hicks, J.Miz, Woo, Michelle Dee and Lindsay Hartley

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