Facebook modifications needed: J.Miz has spoken!

See these Zuckerbergs? J.Miz did 'em both!

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Facebook is constantly modifying and updating their features, but they never implement the changes that would benefit me the most. Members should be allowed to make suggestions, and here are mine:

  • Have you ever friended somebody, and they have yet to confirm or ignore it, but their posts still show up constantly in your newsfeed? Look buddy, if I’m not good enough for you to pay attention to my friend request, I shouldn’t have to be subjected to your Facebook activity. It’s like an Internet cock tease! I can see all the places you check in, read about your mom’s pap smear and read articles on ED and D&D that you post, but I can’t see your pictures of where you went to college? Get the fuck outta here! ALL OR NOTHING, BABY! ALL.OR.NOTHING!
  • We often “friend” people on Facebook who are famous or, for varying reasons, Facebook famous. Say you comment on a famous person’s thread. You get shit-tons of notifications about the lamewads who also comment, right? All you really care about is who “likes” your comment or responds to it, right? So, the notification should rightfully read, “Dumb and Dumber and 13 other dumb fuck strangers responded after your clever shit.” I don’t for ONE FUCKING SECOND give a shit what those randoms said, nor do I consider that gaggle of muthafucks my “friends.” Help me, Zuckerberg! You’re my only hope!
  • Facebook should add a People I Fucked category under “Relationships.” Then maybe I could find a common ground with some of these bitches. I can name my brothers and sisters, so why can’t I name my Eskimo Brothers. And Eskimo Sisters?
  • Hand in hand with People I Fucked should be a “J.Miz recommends you fuck this person” feature. It’s a useful tool. If it comes “from the desk of J.Miz,” you can guarantee cummage. It’s also a useful tool in not becoming sloppy seconds to the people with Lazarus genitalia that you keep on your friends list out of sheer laziness. The Anti-Follow the Drip campaign.
  • Similarly, how about People I Shared a Consensual Masturbatory Experience With? I’d also include People I Beat Off To, but the qualifying members of that group would be far too vast. Even Facebook needs limits.
  • Another fun feature would be a Passive Aggressive Like button. This would be for when you “like” some shit posted by a person you despise on your friends list, just to mushroom stamp some crap a dumb bitch/dick’s status or comments as if to show alpha superiority or to portray an inside and often sexual knowledge or joke. Perfect for quick and easy head games.
  • Remember that revolving finger-by-the-ear motion we made as children? I’d love to make that my profile pic, but it could also be a useful Facebook feature. I’m an ubernerd, so if I could implement an emoticon of that ilk, it would be accompanied by that dealie from Max Payne: “CAUTION.” Just a warning from one person to other potential victims: We have crazy here. And I don’t mean in the “I want to fuck that crazy fucker” kind of way. I mean certifiably crazy. Would it HURT Facebook to save us some stalker pain?! WOULD IT?!
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