This Week in J.Miz, Volume 2

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Which one's the creepy one? We're still not sure.

TUESDAY

There are ten Christmas Peanut M&Ms resting peacefully on a ledge inside the trash chute door. I’m soooooo tempted… *crunch crunch crunch*

For 2 seconds, I thought I was Facebook friends with the creepy uncle from “Full House.” Turns out its just a guy from high school. And no, I did NOT go to Montesorri Statutory Rape Academy.

Tonight, I felt compeled by my heritage to cook in the style of my families’ homelands. The downside is I singlehandedly made my entire floor smell like an eastern European fart.

I’m standing in my kitchen, with a 15-year-old Mighty Ducks sweatshirt on, no pants, one sock, chopping green onions for my dinner. Happy wet dream, people.

MONDAY

When I got home last night, thanks to my new Rastafarian neighbor who has rappist shows on the weekends, the whole floor smelled like weed. I said, “Holy marijuana, Batman!” but not like the old TV show. More in a Malibu Barbie kinda way. I want to meet him and mysteriously call him MB. Because fucking with stoners is my passion.

I was going back through my Facebook newsfeed when it hit me — I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what ANYONE does before noon.

I am a man trapped in a lesbian’s body. That man REALLY hates eating pussy.

As a reward for not populating the earth with EVEN MORE FUCKING PEOPLE, women of a certain age should be graced with the gift of lactating the alcoholic beverage of their desire.

While working as a cocktail waitress, “just the tip” is a lifestyle.

SUNDAY

I’ve never heard my cat Dwight fart. Maybe that’s why he’s always so pissed.

Do you think when I’m not home, Dwight puts on my pannies and plays Fancy Lady Tea Party?

I am so super thirsty, you woulda swore i was just moggin’ on a salt lick or something. Sheesh.

“WTF kinda chicken is this? Tell me, bitch! Tell me! What makes you think I’d eat this trailer park shit?! Look at me, bitch! Answer me!!” -Dwight’s reaction to cream of mushroom chicken

SATURDAY

I am an idea man.

Dwight just winked at me and threw on some Barry White.

Dwight just told me I should go out cuz “a muthafucka needz hiz sexeh tyme.” The nerve of that guy.

Twitter sounds like spaceman talk for “flickin’ the bean.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why my butt has NEVER been the same….

FRIDAY

If I had $100 for each girl i used to trick with, I’d be a pimp.

I’m having one of those days where a girl just wants a nice guy to listen to her knees.

I think this guy thought I was checkin’ him, and he got lispier. Nice gaydar denial, Iowa boy. I just liked your murse!

He told me his dick size in metric. Must be Canadian.

THURSDAY

Awesome Thing About Living Alone #11: Window open, birds chirpin’, dinner smells great, and I’m naked looking at muh own bewbz. You would too, unless you had your own. But we ALL like bewbz. It’s in our DNA.

I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only fuck guys with dead mothers, and I got REALLLLLY good at baking cookies.
A person’s life can be spiraled out of control by a decision that was made in seconds.

I make myself sneeze sometimes cuz I like how it feels. It’s way more socially acceptable then public masturbation.

The chupacabra's lawyer insists the entire affair was consensual.

WEDNESDAY

Between 10:30 and 11:30 pm, a chupacabra rapes a chimp in the woods behind my place. Then I start hearing the neighbor wage assault on his schlong. #wontyoubemyneighbor

One of my Facebook friends just liked “American Idol and Autism.” Now THAT’S a rejump reality show I could really get behind.

Facebook just suggested a friend that uses Alan Alda as a profile pic. I think fucking not, Facebook. Not if he was the last immigrant grocer on earth, honey.

Next time I get hit on by a 23 year old, I’m gonna tell him, “I’ve got underwear older than you! Wanna see ’em?”
Is “erotic comedy” just basically dick jokes or my usual everyday conversations?

Somebody come fuck me. I’m too lazy to masturbate.

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