This Week in J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

This Magic 8 Ball told Michael Jackson to marry a woman twice.

SATURDAY

Been at the bar for less than an hour. Already got my first walk-by farting. Oy vey, it’s gonna be a looooong night! Fuck you, beer specials! Give that guy’s ass some Binaca!

Magic 8 Ball says, “You’re gonna go get pisto with some Mexicans.” Indeed, Magic 8 Ball, indeed!

I am thankful for civil intellectual debates and for my mom not raising more racists in this asshole world.

I asked God for a new lease on life, but I didn’t pass the credit check.

As I become friends with more comics and writers, we seem to all have cats. I think this is because there’s no tougher customer than a cat. Those pussies don’t laugh for shit!

FRIDAY

Do people actually dish wash their dishwasher-safe sex toys?! “Honey, where’s that Pyrex didlo?” “In the dishwasher next to the sippy cups!”

Even over the ruckus across the hall, where Young Jeezie is obviously performing live, I can still hear the guy next door peeing. Jealous?

I think the neighbors are playing that new game Meth Lab Hero.

I’m always looking to spin and feminize cliche jokes. That being said, who wants to play, Just The Tit?

Botchy circumcision! The writing’s on the ball!

The last time a guy told me he had dick for days, I didn’t see him for like a week.

This is something I can’t stress enough, having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.

I’m seriously sitting here watching this dick cat try to dump his bigass water bowl! It’s like having a really passive-aggressive 2 year old.

Does anybody else use the “like” button as a conversation ender? Or am i just a dick?

J.Miz with hundreds of NASCAR fans. (J.Miz not pictured.)

If you throw a sweet potato in the oven at 450 and forget about it for about an hour or two, you just made a shoe.

If I’ve never been to a monster truck show, NASCAR race or WWE event, will I be kicked out of white people?

From now on, when people text me pics of their cock, it’s going on Facebook, and I’m tagging you in it. #dickfiles

THURSDAY

Dwight’s stoked! The Mexicans are cutting the grass or some shit. He loves the shit outta day workers.

What do illiterate people do while they poop?

WEDNESDAY

Gonna walk to our little store. I was thinking I should take these old bagels with and feed the ducks. Then i thought, why stop there? Why not put some curlers in my hair, wear my house shoes and push Dwight in a stroller, all while humming, “My baby takes the morning train.”

You ever have one of those days where cheese didn’t even help?

My ideal relationship: Somebody who loves fucking you and seriously fucking loves you.

So I can now update my Facebook status via text, but it posts your cell phone number too. To that I say: If youre going to stalk me, I require more effort than me spoon feeding you.

TUESDAY

Got most of my cleaning done. Still a bit left. It smells like pussy, shame, regret and Lava soap! Ahh, HOME!
With the loud, ignorant, messed-up friends I have, I fear the Facebook inbox notification. What could possibly need to be private? Zoinks!

George Michael looks a lot different without that feathered hair.

“Doin’ it in the park / Doin’ it after dark.” Classic R+B lyric, or the theme song of George Michael and lesser-known “dabblers”? You decide…

You ever finish eating something, realize you have some schmootz on your finger, lick it off, then realize… yeah, that was NOT anything that i just consumed for lunch?

Hypoglycemia is a huge time suck when you have better things to do than stuff your feedhole. I’m ready to go stinky blue feed bag and be done with it.

MONDAY

Closed mouths don’t get fed, neither do those already full of shit. #whatchootalkinboutfeces

If you REALLY want to piss white people off, raise the price of bacon.

“I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU” is the new “I love you.”

Pretty sure the frightening-ass noise I hear outside my patio door is the mating of two chupacabras or the demise of one.

Just deleted a childhood friend that “invited me” to an R. Kelly party where his staff required photos for attendance approval. Unless I’m a hooker about to be pissed on by choice, not so much. *clicks yes and sends head shot*

SUNDAY

It’s refreshing to hear car alarms go off from thunder as opposed to gun shots.

At the store in my complex. Mullet lady. Jeep Wrangler. And is that the Iron Eagle 2 soundtrack?

My cat just dug his massive back foot into my right tit several times! Thanks! I’d love some more blood and pain, asstard.

Dear white neighbors, Go the fuck to bed. I had to hear unambiguously dull convos through my rape door, your murdering of Guitar Hero, your drunken fight-gone-lame sex, and now the yapping! It’s 4 am. I’m awake, but I’m sick of your life! Shut the fuck up, and leave me to my Facebooking and “Guild” watching, m’kay?!

Lance will always sound like a skeevie porn star name to me.

2 Comments to “This Week in J.Miz”

    • Our Mizzie has come a long way from the days of not wanting to be edited or published. I figured out the secret — just go grab a bunch of shit off her Facebook wall, edit it, post it, then tell her you posted it.

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