3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 8: STRANGEST SONG YOU’VE HAD SEX TO

The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

SCOTTY HARRIS
Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

SARACAKES
Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

J.MIZ
During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

ANDREW HICKS
I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

JAMES DRAPER
Okay, this isn’t a strange song, but the situation was kinda strange. I hooked up with this girl who I knew was much more experienced than me. She was also, as I found out, quite the freak. After like an hour of doing everything other than fucking, we started actually fucking. It was just then I heard Pink Floyd sing, “Welcome my son / Welcome tooooooo / The machiiiiiiiiine.”

K-Ci or Jojo, not sure which, emotes with vein-popping conviction while urinating off-camera.

J.MIZ
In the ’90s *eh hem, cough* I made a killer sexy-time mix tape. It was heavy on the Jodeci, Silk and H-Town. Whining during sex takes me back to childhood.

ANDREW HICKS
Off topic, the video for “Come and Talk to Me” is hilariously awful. I don’t think Uptown Records or whatever put much stock in Jodeci’s success, because it was just closeups of K-Ci and Jo-Jo lip synching on a black background. There was nothing to distract you from seeing sweat break out and veins popping from necks during the vocal workout climactic parts of the song. MTV never showed it. I saw it on BET once.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Well, for strange background sex noise, any parent can say motherfucking “Dora.” Seriously, fuck that show.

J.MIZ
My brother drunkenly stumbled out post-coitis to tell me how he attempted a stripperesque dance while listening to a random ’80s hair metal station and “pulled a hammie.” (It didnt have to be me fucking, right?) Side note: Busted a nut laughing at this, and damned if “Aint No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)” just came on.

ANDREW HICKS
“DJ EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-Z Dick!”
My old college apartment roommates and I used to get high and talk about how we wished there was an actual 187.4 on your FM dial with Sol T Nutz and DJ EZ Dick playing only platinum hits on WBALZ. Which, on topic, would be a great radio station to leave on as ironically pseudo-romantic sex music

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I like to pronounce pseudo as “sway-doh.”

ANDREW HICKS
Just went searching for “DJ EZ Dick” on Facebook and found no results. I wonder if EZ Dick did some soul-searching and deleted his account after realizing his addiction to social networking and Angry Birds was destroying his gardening hobby. The azaleas looked like crap last year, and the daffodils were all wilty by June. It was breaking EZ Dick’s heart, and he had to do something about it.

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