A Charlie Sheen Rant, Dr. Seuss-Style

by KATE HAYES
special to WE’RE NOT FUNNY

[EDITOR’S NOTE: WNF staff is still taking the week off, but timeliness forces me off my butt to post the following rant written as Charlie Sheen in the style of Dr. Seuss, who would have turned 107 yesterday if he wasn’t busy being not alive anymore. If you like what you see here, please check out Kate’s blog, Adventures in Parenting. –Andrew Hicks]

I’m Charlie Sheen, and I like to win.
Don’t give me that look. Don’t judge me in sin.

You scoff at my mind ’cause your brain can’t behold it.
How could you, when it took Adonis to mold it?

Adonis? Who’s he? What’s that, you say?
I said I’ve the genes of a god in my DNA.

The genes of a god and the blood of a tiger.
You can measure my gamma rays using a Geiger.

I’m winning here, and I’m winning there.
Winning, winning everywhere!

I had a hit show called “Two and a Half Men.”
It would have been nothing without my ken.

That means “knowledge,” for all you losers.
You suck, just like my show’s producers.

The fun ends at one when they arrive on the set.
They puke on my genius. No thanks do I get!

I called them some names and they canceled the show.
Sad trolls. What a way to throw out good dough!

I’m going to sue. TO SUE! Wouldn’t you?
I’ll sue for money and gold and their toupees too.

I’ll be winning here and winning hair!
Winning, winning everywhere!

Yes, I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.
Don’t take it, or your face will melt off at the scene.

NO really, I’m sober! I’ll pee in a cup.
I’ll pee in a cup and show you all up!

I’m totally clean. I have nothing to hide.
It’s just the tiger blood fueling this ride!

Back in the day, I did drugs that kill mortals
And took fellow partiers into other portals.

I provided escape from their dull, normal lives
with their ugly children and uglier wives.

Sinatra and Jaggar, Richards and Flynn
Couldn’t begin to live up to my sin.

Because I was winning here and winning there.
Winning, winning everywhere!

I may come from another terrestrial realm.
I don’t sleep. I wait. I’m alert at the helm.

I live with two goddesses who help me make magic,
And the fact that you don’t is really quite tragic.

One is a nanny and one is a porn star.
Boom. That’s right, I just set a new high bar!

That’s how I roll. I have one speed, one gear.
My kids all think I’m the dad of the year.

I’m not bipolar. I’m just bi-winning!
I’m like a Rick Vaughn strikeout in real life’s ninth inning.

My billions of fans will tell you it’s true.
It’s lonely up here, but I sure like the view!

Yes, I’ll keep winning here and winning there.
Winning, winning everywhere!

Buh-bye. Losers.

[NOTE FROM KATE: ALL of these comments are based directly on quotes given by Charlie Sheen in recent days, except the part about gamma rays. I needed something to rhyme with Tiger, so I made that part up. And the Rick Vaughn part… but it’s based on one of his movie characters, so that shouldn’t count.]

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