Top 5 Biggest Wastes of Resources in Recent History

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

5. CELEBRITY POLITICIANS

Knows what's best for you.

As if we need to add more drama to politics, endless actors feel it necessary to literally broadcast their opinions.  These opinions are inevitably laced with uninformed, fruity bullshit and are always overly dramatic. Last October, for example, Rob Reiner called everyone who didn’t support certain social changes and additions “Nazis.” Seriously?

So, because I don’t want to endlessly support some good-for-nothing leech through welfare and/or healthcare, who incidentally also begs me to trade his food stamps for cash at my local grocery store (yeah, pretty sure I already paid for those with my tax money, sport), then uses any cash he gleans from some poor schmuck on drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and cell phone minutes to call the baby momma he’s not supporting, MY character and political view are now comparable to those of a 1940s fascist dictator who wanted to wipe an entire race off the face of the planet just for shits? Yeah. Thanks for trying, but, no.

Really, Rob, shut the fuck up. When these dummies weigh in on our political climate and certain hot-topic issues, I enjoy their performance of their actual jobs a little bit less. They should just stick to what they know: acting, directing, performing, writing, collecting sick amounts of money at my expense (although not at my tax expense, thank Christ), and snorting amounts of coke worth enough to rebuild Haiti from its next disaster.

4. THE TIGER WOODS [or insert most recent celebrity here] AFFAIR

I. Don’t. Get it. What the fuck happened to a celebrity’s right to cheat? Okay, now, I know he’s a public figure with lots of little children who look up to him and want to be just like Tiger someday, but really, what the hell is going on here? We take a sick amount of interest in the private lives of our celebrities but then are genuinely amazed when one them does something that, oh my God, is just like every other celebrity.

We devote months and months to press about the “scandal,” paparazzi are stalking the wife and lovers, Howard Stern is getting lovers to describe performance style, length and girth of the celebrity flagstick on national radio. Really, it becomes a goddamned sextravaganza. It doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t we just say, “Bad kitty!” and move the fuck on with the rest of our lives and let Tiger and his harem sort their shit out in peace?

And, pardon me for saying so, but I’m pretty sure that when you sign up for a marriage gig for someone who makes millions, the small print says something about said millionaire’s inalienable right to be unfaithful because of the simple amount of opportunity involved in such a lifestyle. Yes. Somewhere between “for better and for worse,” it reads that, in exchange for many beautiful homes, cars, private education for the little Tigers, and a stupid amount of disposable income, you agree to look the other way on the occasional dick slip. And don’t give me any of that love bullshit. Above a certain income level, all that crap gets sucked right out the window.

Oh, and, sex addiction? Really? A mental disorder? A man can’t be both mentally healthy and think that sex is awesome? Especially sex with some of the world’s most beautiful and probably bendiest women. I’m sorry. What the fuck ever.

3. TACO BELL BEEF SCANDAL

I’m not even sure it could be classified as a scandal. It’s more like a “debate.” I just can’t grasp why there was so much press on this issue, and even more than that, I can’t imagine why anyone is surprised. Years ago people were using the term “Grade E meat” in conjunction with Taco Bell. The only thing I was surprised about was that the “unmeat” portion was some sort of grain “binder” rather than meat parts, byproducts, or hell, even dirt. That came as a relief to me, actually.

I mean, Taco Bell tacos aren’t exactly known for their quality; they are the hotdogs of Mexican-American cuisine. But mostly, what chafes is that a legal firm has decided to waste time and money – not just theirs but also taxpayers’, by taking up time in our courts – by hauling everyone in to get a better definition on the books of the word “beef” and how it should be used in terms of advertising.

While I appreciate that, for once, they aren’t seeking “financial compensation” and only want “truth in advertising,” I want to say, “It’s a fucking 99 cent taco, did you really expect to get ground tenderloin?”

2. CANCER

Everything causes it. We get it. Peanut Butter. Riding in the car with the windows down. Riding in the car with the windows up. Not lubing up with SPF 350 before trucking out to retrieve the mail. The pet goldfish.

Here’s a quick, relatively simple, and not even remotely profound thought: WE cause cancer. Yeah. Our overly indulgent, lazy, grossly obese, unmotivated, vice-loving, Jerry Springer-watching American lifestyle does it. How about we replace the Ho-Ho with an apple, the hour of Jerry Springer with a brisk walk, the Super Big Gulp of Mountain Dew with water, and overall, the whitebread American lifestyle with a whole grain, more satisfying and stimulating standard of living?

Pretty sure that no matter what study I’ve seen in recent history regarding reducing your risk of cancer, most also “reveal” that reducing your risk of cancer is linked to one thing: reducing the size of your ass. The smaller your ass, the smaller your risk of cancer.

Don’t smoke (also, eat healthy and exercise). Don’t handle nuclear waste (also, eat healthy and exercise). Wear sunscreen (also, eat healthy and exercise). Really. Not profound.

1. PUPPY MILL [and/or other fluffy] LEGISLATION

Jesus Christ. OK. This issue STILL has me hot from the last Election Day. Seriously, in our United States today, we have a huge unemployment crisis, issues with healthcare reform, an economy that just can’t seem to be stimulated no matter how many billions we throw into it (or throw away – take your pick), children starving in Detroit, and people pick THIS moment in history to worry about the treatment of puppies in Missouri? For God’s sake, my dad hasn’t been able to get a job in over 2 years, and you want to stand on the corner outside Borders, sipping your Seattle’s Best, with signs about a puppy mill law?

I gotta say I’m not really even sure what the legislation was about, but at present, I don’t care what happens to the fucking puppies. Let’s figure out how we can get everyone the medical treatment they need without creating more social-program catastrophes, how to help the needy within our own borders, and how we can bring the cost of a candy bar back down from 95 cents to 50 cents. Fuck, let’s get Dad a job, eh?

Healthcare, jobs, money: first. Goddamned puppies: later – much later.

One Comment to “Top 5 Biggest Wastes of Resources in Recent History”

  1. Great post Anne!! I loved it!

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