Swan Pants: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


BUDDY REDMAN
Guys, what animal do you think would look the funniest wearing human pants? I say a fish. Specifically, a catfish.

J.MIZ
I wanna train a monkey to ride a dog and dress like a tiny sheriff.

BUDDY REDMAN
It is a difficult question.

ANNE GARDNER
I’m wondering if there are kinds of pants other than human….

JESSICA STIMSON
An eel.

J.MIZ
WTF! Hahahaha. He be loungin’ all in one leg.

JESSICA STIMSON
That’s why it’s fucking hilarious.

J.MIZ
Flop flop.

WOO
Aardvark.

ANNE GARDNER
I’m going with porcupine. Mostly, the getting into and out of the pants would be funny.

J.MIZ
My cat Dwight in human pants. He’d need HUSKIES. Maybe Buddah has some of his old baby clothes.

JESSICA STIMSON
A dragon would be kind of cool. If dragons were real.

BUDDY REDMAN
He could be wearing it like a scarf. I mean, it’s not like eels know all about human style… Or do they?

J.MIZ
Okay, I’m gonna throw some leggings on Dwight and take a pic… Scratch that — pantyhose! BRB! I’m going in.

BUDDY REDMAN
I think we should all try to take pictures of animals in pants, post them on here, and settle this democratically, like Americans!

ANNE GARDNER
Sorry. I don’t have a porcupine.

JESSICA STIMSON
I have no eel.

J.MIZ
You shoulda heard Dwight cry. He looked like a manatee.

JESSICA STIMSON
Posed this question to a friend. Friend’s answer: llama or ferret.

J.MIZ
Ferrets already wear pants, I thought.

JESSICA STIMSON
Oh, that eel? I forgot to mention it’s an electric eel. Just because. I was thinking the eel could go flopping down Electric Avenue. I’m singing a song about it in my head, actually. Because I’m a big dork.

VICKIE SAUSEDA
I’m voting for my turtle. He likes to be called Natalie… So, pleather bedazzled pants?

BUDDY REDMAN
Is Natalie also going to be wearing makeup like the Black Swan?

VICKIE SAUSEDA
Sure…. *pretends like she knows what he’s talking about*

JESSICA STIMSON
OMG! That makeup is crazy fucked up! I’m sure you’ve seen the ads, Vickie. Natalie Portman in the movie the Black Swan?

J.MIZ
I love Vickie more cuz she has a tranny turtle.

BUDDY REDMAN
Vickie how many Hummel figurines do you own?

VICKIE SAUSEDA
For real — I was invited to watch Black Swan, but I don’t know what it’s about… Let’s not talk about how out of touch I am.

J.MIZ
STOP TURNING DOWN FREE SHIT FROM HUMANS WITH PENISES!

J.MIZ
Black Swan = Single White Female with smaller, darker chicks and ballet.

VICKIE SAUSEDA
Zero Hummel statues, but I closely resemble one.

WOO
Black Swan = Natalie and Mila Kunis lesbian sex scene. What’s more to know?

J.MIZ
I liked the Reese Witherspoon/Brittany Murphy one in Freeway.

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