Noah’s Conversation With God

by ANDREW HICKS

Oh, hey, what’s up, God? [PAUSE] Well, yeah, actually, I was asleep. It’s like three in the morning. [PAUSE] Right, right. Time doesn’t exist for you.

So what’s going on? [PAUSE] Humanity’s getting wicked? Yeah, I agree. You should see what people are wearing down here. [PAUSE]

And you’re going to do something about it? Like, what do you have in mind? [PAUSE] You’re going to drown everybody? You mean, like, drown them in your tender love and mercy so they’ll be drawn to righteousness? [PAUSE]
Oh, you mean drown them in actual water until they’re dead. Old Testament God stuff. Well, see, I don’t know, I think that’s kind of drastic. There’s some good people down here. Like me, you know, and my family. We’re cool. [PAUSE]

Name somebody else? Okay, well… what about Jedidiah? He’s a good man. [PAUSE] Covets his neighbor’s oxen? Hmm, well, you’ve gotta admit, Jedidiah’s neighbor has some pretty nice oxen. You know, as far as oxen go, those are good oxen. [PAUSE] Me? No,  not coveting, I’m admiring… yeah, it’s a thin line, I know.

Okay then, what about Tobias? [PAUSE] Tobias is a sodomizer? Oh, well, actually, some of our wives down here ask us to do that to them. There are a lot of nerve endings and– [PAUSE] Oh, not with women? With some guy named Jamal?

Alright, so what do you want me to do then? [PAUSE] Build a boat? [PAUSE] Big enough to hold two of every species of animal? That’s gonna take forever to build. [PAUSE] A hundred years? Holy cow, that’s a long time. [PAUSE] Right, holy TWO cows. That’s a funny one. You’re a funny guy.

I’m gonna have to get back to sleep now. I have a hundred-year building project to start in the morning. [PAUSE] I love you, too.

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