Not So Good With Women

by Buddah Eskew

I am not very good with women. Even when I undress a woman with my eyes I still have trouble getting the bra unhooked. Although, several women have told me I have a face for porn… but a penis for radio. THANKS ladies.

Some people call me Maurice, even though I specifically told them to call me the gangster of love! A special thanks to Steve Miller for that line. I tried to be all gangster with the chicks but they preferred to call me Gangster-Amish. Buddah, you have no electricity or indoor plumbing. Yeah that is true but my horse has a gold tooth and my buggy has chrome spinner wheels. That’s just how I roll, ladies. I was confused by the whole Gangster-Amish thing. I never knew from day to day if I should wear overalls or baggy pants, straw hat or dew rag, pitch fork or switch blade.

I even stooped as low as date rape a few times, but all that happened is I passed out and women just walked right by me, kind of like when I’m awake. Could one of you girls at least grind a stiletto heel into my back when you step over me? I gotta re-read the instructions on this pill bottle.

Years ago I tried a dating site and I even wrote my own bio. “Hello Ladies. My name is Buddah and I am a stud muffin. That’s right, I’m 30% stud and 70% muffin. I like long walks on the beach. I love a good hockey fight and I really enjoy a taking bubble baths in cooked pasta. And ladies, if you drain the water and add Alfredo sauce you have generous portion of Buddah Alfredo”. Yet still no takers for a lifetime of Buddahisms.

Then one day while helping my brother move I met the girl of my wet dreams. I finally met Ms. Right. Well, after 25 years of marriage I just call her Mrs. Never Wrong.

A friend asked me once, “Buddah you have been married for 25 years. What’s your secret? What holds your marriage together for so long?” I told him, a lot of sex, Vodka and a whole lot of Duct Tape! And sometimes I need them all in the same night.

Actually, I love my wife. I love spooning with her, forking with her, and sometimes we get all crazy and just spork! Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t really know what that means and I wrote it… Some night she just falls asleep and I jack knife. Enough with the utensil humor already!

It isn’t always bubble baths in cooked pasta. Some days it is a good hockey fight. Last week was a big fight over clipping my lethal toe nails before sex. We’ve have had a lot of disagreements over the years, so whenever that occurs I do the right thing. The next day I pick up some flowers on the way home from work. Her favorite is yellow roses, which are hard to find. I could not tell you how many rows of tombstones I have walked by just to find yellow roses. Hey, don’t judge me! It’s the thought that counts.

Sometimes she tells me I talk too much. Silence is golden, she says. Oh yeah, showers can be golden too… *crickets*. We just have simple rules about being happy and living together. 1) Pick up the dirty laundry off the floor. 2)  Do the dishes daily. 3) Don’t sleep with her best friend, again… or her sister, etc….

As we grow older there are new issues to encounter, like when she hit her 40’s and began the change of life all women eventually go through. She now has hot flashes all the time. Last week on top of having hot flashes she also had a yeast infection, or as I like to call it, tuna melt on sourdough. BAM!

But I am primed for another 25 years of blissful, wrinkled, marriage anyway. Thanks Lori!

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