G-GILF

This article sponsored by Oil Of... Alright we couldn't get a real sponsor. This dude named Havier told us he could hook Natalie up with the "Oil of José" though. Not sure what that means...

by Allison Stein

When did I get old? It’s feels like it was just yesterday and I was making a complete fool of myself in a junior high talent show…

There I was, little four-foot-six me, with a girl to my right who looked like she had gotten hit in the face with an iron, and the 50-foot woman from outer space to my left (she was six foot in junior high, and just as wide).

The routine we had “practiced” had them snapping their fingers and tapping their feet, nothing else, not even back up vocals, just moving. Meanwhile, I was singing, with no mic, a song that had been written by my mother.

Yeah, lets just say it was awesome! …well, if “awesome” actually means Totally Embarrassing, Everyone Will Laugh At You, And You Just Got A Nickname You Aren’t Ever Going Like, then yes, it was awesome. I think we got applause out of pity.

Wow, those were the days. It seems like my teenage years went by so fast, from first boyfriends to loves of my life, from awkward first times to graduation. At the time, I thought it was taking FOREVER to grow up. Now it seems like it was just a blink. All the emotions, all the raging hormones (weren’t those fun?) are just *POOF*, gone.

I am not saying that my thirties are the end, by any means. But when I look in the mirror, I have the same eyes but don’t remember those little lines around them. I don’t remember having the two creases between my eyebrows that never go away, and I don’t remember having to pluck any gray hairs. I am NOT saying I would go back there for anything, but could I please just have a few less “character lines”! Jeez, how am I supposed to eventually make it to G-GILF status if I have wrinkles?! Gosh!

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