Buddah’s Holiday Tips

by BUDDAH ESKEW

#8--Just add milk and 5 more maids.

1. Yuletide does not fight to get out stains as well as regular Tide.

2. You will never win a game of Strip Dreidel with a Jewish chick.

3. Never punch an elf before all the toys are made.

4. This year’s fruitcake will be made from the remains of Bea Arthur.

5. Now we don our gay apparel, which is fine IF YOU’RE GAY!

6. I said “Mall Santa,” not “Maul Santa!” Bad doggy!

7. If there are really sugar plums dancing in your head, you may want to schedule an appointment with your therapist.

#10--Reindeer sausage, reindeer brats, braised reindeer, reindeer on a stick, reindeer kabobs...

8. Eight maids a’milking sounds dirty, but I can live with it.

9. Damned! Wal-Mart is out of frankincense and myrrh again!

10. Reindeer sausage is NOT the other white meat.

11. This holiday season, please give to Charity. She is my favorite dancer at the strip club.

12. Yes, Hallmark Channel, I would love to see another sappy Christmas movie starring Mary Steenburgen.

13. Eggnog without a little rum is kinda like Hitler without a little mustache.

14. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 lords a’leaping. So I started my own gymnastics team.

15. Everyone would have a yard full of cheap lawn ornaments if Bing Crosby wrote a song titled “White Trash Christmas.” But he didn’t. Now go clean up your lawn!

16. I wouldn’t recommend ginger inbred cookies unless you are really into that… or if you live in the South.

17. Hunting knife, rope, duct tape–check, check and check. Time for another holiday-season abduction.

18. I made nice with my wacky family. Now bring me some figgy pudding, bitch!

#20--Buddah's Kwaanza family.

19. Ladies, maybe your guy isn’t so special if you are looking to give him jewelry as a gift to match his electronic ankle bracelet.

20. Is it Kwaanza yet?!?

21. Don’t let your mother in-law teach the wife how to make a wreath out of solo cups and trash bag ties. (True story.)

22. Just nod and say you love the Barack Obama Chia pet.

23. Many years ago, there almost never was a holiday called Christmas. Santa, a.k.a. Kris Kingle, had a brother named Craig Kringle who nearly replaced him as mascot. Now, everyone wants to be on Santa’s list, but almost nobody wants to be on Craig’s list.

24. Cats and dogs together make an awesome live nativity scene!

25. Wrap your gifts in bubble wrap. It also doubles as a marital aid.

26. To all of my pothead friends–wrapping paper may not be substituted with rolling papers.

#29--Grow your own yule log with Basil, Cinammon, Paprika and Porno Spice.

27. Don’t forget to clip your mistletoe nails.

28. Dear Santa, this year I would just like a list of all of the NAUGHTY girls… oh, and a pony!

29. Season’s greetings from Cinnamon, Basil and Paprika. Catch their holiday special on the Spice channel.

30. Next holiday season I will not partake in Black Friday. Instead I will celebrate Blackout Friday… with vodka!

31. When shopping for the grandparents, I don’t recommend Snoop Dogg’s Christmas CD titled Ho! Ho! Ho! And Mo’ Hoes!

32. Tinsel is the rotten pumpkin of Christmas.

33. Hanukkah orgy!

34. Before trimming the in-laws’ tree, you want to ask if it is artificial.

35. When squirrels attack, Christmas carolers don’t stop them.

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