Warning: Inept Robbers On The Loose

by RYAN K.

Doors were locked – dead-bolted to be exact, yet the evil men decided to penetrate my house while my roommate and I were at work this evening. It seems to be the typical smash n’ grab situation. They got away with my laptop, TV/Monitor, digital camera, $300.00 cash – which was nicely situated on my desk – next to the laptop (charging and awaiting the triumphant return of his master who would have used him once again to look up conspiracy theories, shitty music videos, and yes, an indecent amount of filthy porn). My roommate lost his fair share also: PS3 (he wasn’t too attached to it though, I mean he only purchased it two nights ago, literally!), 40-some inch plasma TV, and his wallet was taken from his desk and thrown on the couch because there wasn’t anything in there but a Walmart gift card.

The reasons why I think this is the worst robbery ever are as follows:

It was obviously 2 people who came through the back door, seeing as how there is a footprint on the door and the dead-bold ripped through the trimming very nicely.

One had to have ran downstairs, and when he got down there he saw the amazing comedy club setup. And being so jealous, so he stole the main piece of visual entertainment – my Monitor/TV (which was hooked up to not only my laptop, but a DVD Player! Pretty sweet setup I had).

Then he took my digital camera that was on the table, because obviously he is a photojournalist on the side.

What he did not take was an 8th of some of the best weed I have ever had. A whole 8th, right there, still there, being enjoyed as I type. That was strike one!

Strike 2 is that both of my NES systems are still there, with controllers! What kind of a non-dope smoking dolt would leave behind such treasures?

While this was going on the other invader (not to be confused with a Bed Intruder) ran upstairs and made a quick turn for the bedrooms. Here he took the pillow cases from my roommates bed, and then made his way into my room where he found my laptop and a pile of cash nicely placed in the center of my desk.  He then decides to step on my bag of cookies, in the center of my floor, next to my bong. Strike 3. Cookies are always delicious – take them!

Strike 4. Why would you pass up a bong that is decorated with ATHF stickers? Especially given there is even more weed next to it!

So then he leaves my room, missing out on some of the best things in the room, and heads for the living room. Here the ass-hat stares at a rack of gaming consoles and says, “PS3 will get me the most money,” so he grabs that, then goes for the Nintendo Wii. Dick-for-brains gets it all into one of the pillowcases, and then just leaves it on the couch, the whole thing, packaged up, and left. Strike 5.
Somewhere along the line he notices my roommates wallet, takes everything out of it, but keeps nothing. There was a $20.00 Walmart gift card in there. That’s like the first of the month happening right now!
Other things missed:
  • My $350 cell phone that was also on my desk.
  • My Evil Dead poster.
  • Two bad-ass PC’s.
  • Beer in the fridge.
  • The Cat.
  • The 2 other TV’s in the house – both wall mounted Plasma TV’s (If you are going to rob a house, you bring tools Nimrods!)

This is all basically what me and my roommate figured out in the last hour, while getting very drunk and stoned, and walking through the house to figure out how exactly we were robbed. We both agree we feel dirty. Mostly because they had to stake out the place. They knew we lived here and had cool shit, and when we would be at work. Also when our neighbors, with whom we share a driveway, are also gone. Perfect timing was on the side of these pricks.

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