A Rather Anal Request

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY, as written by WOO

UNITED STATES–According to anonymous gluteal sources, they would just like to ask one favor of you: Get off of your ass! Our source has indicated your ass is growing quite weary of being sat on, when there are so many other body parts that do not suffer the same abuse. They would like to ask that you step it up on the job and around the house. You having been doing nothing but gaining more and more weight, and putting greater strain, literally, on your relationship with your rumpus. In an exposé released to We’re Not Funny, your caboose has expressed its want to see the world in the same way in which you do. It has grown tired of crease marks from your chairs and couches, and staring at fabric all day is not what it dreamt of in childhood. Your aft would appreciate the same rights and privileges your fore has. Booties have feelings too, and are requesting their civil liberties be respected. In closing your budonks have simply requested that you get off of them, before they have to resort to more insistent means.

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