The 12 Don’ts of Christmas

by MICHELLE DEE and WOO

Do you have holiday pet peeves? Aside from the term “pet peeve” itself, I mean? I’m sure we all do, and here we have decided to take note of a few for you. Perhaps you are one of the offenders. Please, take our advice, and correct your behaviors. We have a PhD In Christmas, after all.

1. Save the bow if you must, but wrapping paper is meant to be ripped open. Don’t sit there and have a 20 minute conversation with everyone waiting while you try to pry off the scotch tape. Seriously Grandma, this one is for you. Stop denying it now!

2. Always bring the hostess a gift, but not cheese balls/logs. If everyone brings cheese balls the rest will go spoiled before the first one is ever used. I think we all can relate to spoiled cheesy balls. Oh yes you can, go take a shower! How about your bring Wine instead. Wine is better with age, and your family is more acceptable when you’re sloshed.

3. The War on Christmas. Go ahead and say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays. But don’t be a D-Bag, if you say it to anyone of an alternate faith it must be immediately be followed with their appropriate greeting. If your cousin brings her Kwanzaa celebrating boyfriend, offer him a 40 oz. and a high five. When your Irish Catholic uncle shows up, be sure to have a tumbler of Scotch at the ready. Have a plate of bagels at the ready for the Jewish office-mate you invited over.

4. Get a standard box for your gift or use a gift bag for the harder to wrap ones. Don’t be the Twat-minded dipshit in the corner calling out “it’s not really an alarm clock open the box, hahahahaha.” You cheap, cheap asshat.

5. Christmas Sweaters. It’s a sweater, with a battery pack inside of it, and it’s playing Christmas music and has flashing lights all over it. We grew tired of the Christmas music 2.674 days after Thanksgiving. You are wearing a garment that is wired for sound and lights, and you don’t think this is tacky? We  hope you catch on fire, you blinky fuck!

6. Christmas decorations as gifts. Thanks for getting me this novelty piece of shit you thought of at the last second while picking up your prescriptions at Walgreens. I’ll cherish it, I really will. But not until next year, when I re-gift it to someone I hate.

7. Portraits as gifts. If I only interact with you on Thanksgiving and Christmas, why would I want a photo of you? Or, worse yet, why would I want photos of your hell-spawn children? Seriously, save these for your mom.

8. The kids table should be for kids. You’re kid is 15, has black hair, black clothes, is Emo as can be, and wants nothing to do with you. Things like putting him with the 4 and 6 year olds on Holidays are what lead to this. Once your kids are 13, put them with the grown-ups. Besides, we don’t want our 5 year olds thinking nose and eye brow rings are something to aspire to.

9. Inconsistent outdoor lighting. The Santa and Sleigh on the roof of the stable which holds your nativity is tacky enough. But when you have blinking lights on one side of your house, rainbows of colours in the middle, and all blue and white on the other end, you really need to get bitch-slapped. I don’t want to look at a house that looks like God vomited stained-glass window onto it.

10. Mistletoe and family events. Don’t hang mistletoe at family events, unless you live in a double wide in the backwoods of Alabama. Your kids probably want to smooch up on their cousins as it is, remove the temptation.

11. Think when choosing a Santa to pass out the gifts. Make sure the gift passer-outer knows the extended members of the family. It’s not cute to make it the 4 year-old who doesn’t know who Second Cousin Connie’s Boyfriends Brothers Girlfriend is. While we’re all smiling and feigning our holiday joy, we really want to get this over with.

12. Dinner conversation should not involve medical history. We don’t want to know about your hernia Uncle Dave-Bob. Grandma Ramona, we don’t want to know anything that has to do with your colostomy bag. The food isn’t as great as you think it is anyway, let alone with images of your hershey-sack in our minds.

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